Simple and Healthy ways to honor your father

It wasn’t until I became more aware of the experiences of other people that I discovered how dicey Father’s Day is for a lot of people. It is not a holiday of fond memories, love, and cheesy dad-gifts for many, many people. I write this post and counsel people with the full knowledge that this can be an extremely difficult topic, as people may be recovering from various types of abuse and degrees of hurt. Yet, I am reminded that my heavenly father is good, and his commands are good (Psalm 19:8). I hope that this post will give you some ideas on how you can obey God, honor your fallen father, and keep yourself safe (emotionally, spiritually, and physically).

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Why honor your dad?
Simple. It’s commanded. [“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:12]. For the believer, we continually lay down all that we have—our will, plans, desires, even our hearts and feelings. This is one of those instances. We recognize God’s control over our lives, even how we came into the world. He is sovereign. God is not evil, nor does he orchestrate evil, but he will certainly work in evil’s midst to bring us into his presence, to define us, to refine us, and to provoke us to reach for him. Even in the worst instances. (Acts 17:26-27).

How do I honor my dad?

• Primarily: Do not dishonor him with your words or actions. The best way to honor him is to not participate in tearing down his image. Contrary to how our society depicts fathers as bumbling idiots, we are not to join in. Do not curse him. Do not participate in conversations around demeaning him. Do not fight him (physical or verbal). This can be very difficult because many people are raised from childhood to disrespect and speak ill of the very person God has commanded them to honor.
  
• Pray for him. Ask God to care for your father and to love him better than you ever could. Pray for God to restore, heal, and prosper your dad.
  
• When possible, elevate your father by seeking his wisdom, learning more about him, his past, his faith, and initiating contact with him in the context of love. One of the cool things about being an adult is that we get to engage our parents as other adults. We can remove the “shoulds” and expectations from our parents and see them as fellow fallen people who are 20 or so years older. That’s all. No more hero worship. That’s child’s play.
  

What if my dad is unlovable or difficult to honor? What if he has deeply hurt me?

• Pray for yourself and your father wound. Take this matter seriously and don’t brush it off. This is a wound that we can easily anesthetize and forget its impact on our well-being. Pray for healing and learn what it means to be correctly parented by our heavenly father. God loves parenting so much that he chose to relate to us as a father!
  
• Honor your father from afar. Maybe he is deceased or you two have not spoken in many years. Maybe you never knew him at all. You can honor your father from afar by not tearing down his image and by building up the concept of fatherhood in your life. I believe that one way we can honor our fathers is by being the best father that we can be—who God designed us to be. Father your own children well and pick up the legacy where you father left it. Father the fatherless with great passion. Work toward healing for yourself so that the world may be blessed through even your imperfect father’s lineage.
  
• If you are inclined, and after much prayer, decide how you wish to engage your father—on your own, adult terms. You are not the wounded child anymore. You are the empowered adult who can choose how to engage and interact with your father in an honoring way that will keep you safe. Maybe that means writing letters to one another, phone calls, or seeking out family counseling. Our heavenly father is able to reconcile those who are far apart. That’s kind of his signature move.
  

What if I haven’t been the best father?

• Repent, take your concerns to God, and make changes. It is never too late to make things right before God, but your children may be a different story. Be led by God on how to move forward. Humility is always a great start! Give your children your heart and bear the brunt of the pain you may have inflicted. Give them space to be heard and don’t have a quick defense for everything you are accused of doing/not doing. Seek God and let him protect your image and ego. Ego and reconciliation cannot coexist. Start rebuilding on their terms and pray for your children (grandchildren). God can restore the lost years!

Prayerfully consider some of these ideas. Father's Day is a fictional holiday. God's commandments, however, are very real and very good. If you need help figuring out the next step, finding healing, or finding forgiveness, contact our office. You are not alone in this journey.

-Bradford Coleman, LPC, NCC